3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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