I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
