Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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