You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
did you just send me my own nude
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
