Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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