i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
