I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
