someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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