He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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