Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
