So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
