college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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