man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
you had me at cake vodka
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I am available for nakedness
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
