I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
