What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
