i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Randomize
