I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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