My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
