i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
