next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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