I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
