i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
