2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
