The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
