Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
