So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
