he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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