I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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