I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
