I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
