I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
