And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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