sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
