Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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