I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
