If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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