Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
