i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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