So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
