you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
