Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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