Don't make out with my wife yet
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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