it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
