I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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