I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
