You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Randomize
