I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
