Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
