i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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