does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I could fuck to npr.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
