Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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