grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
