I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
