so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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