I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
