Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
