not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
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